Friday, October 05, 2007
Sometimes I wonder how emotionless or heartless I can be. There was another death in the family on wed. My grandaunt passed away. It is quite a shock for me. She is the first amongst her siblings to pass on.
As I attended the funeral my mind was blank. On one hand, I knew that I was supposed to feel devastated at the loss yet I felt nothing. I realise that I am not a funeral person. Even at my grandfather's funeral, whilst we were preparing the things that needed to be done, I was just me, chatting around, trying to engage in a conversation with everyone, making sure that everyone was greeted. You know, the usual. Everyone thought that I was insane for that but to me, it was just something normal. In the end, just as I saw my grandfather for the last time, everything just came out and I burst out crying. I swear it was not a pretty sight.
IN any case, I realised how very few people that are supposedly close to me are not actually close at all. In fact, I can envision the loss of several people and to me its just natural. I guess this is mostly because so many people have come and go in my life.
So another chapter closes. But a new one will open. I guess my heart has hardened so much that I no longer care so much. I can remember most of the people and trust me it is ALOT of people. But I feel that I should care. These are people that have made a mark in my life and have influenced me in one way or another but I guess I have given up. I have tried too many times to retain some hint of the relationships i used to share with these people but I just fail. The only advantage I have for the moment is that my course is very small so I will still be able to interact with my close coursemates but then again, who knows? Look what happened the last time? And in any case, this will only last for three years.
After the end of next sememster, it will herald a new year and I am very certain changes will occur and links will be broken and new links will form. And well, another round of changes will happen coinciding with the beginning of a new era.
and btw, my new maid just arrived.
Nathaniel Iman sprouted nonsense at